The Life...

The blue water in the small container was calm. I took it and prepares to take its content outside when the balloon red eye tetra moves and breathes deeply with its gills. I gasped, and the thought that I might kill him while its still alive scares me. It is the first time that an infected fish still alive after a day of being dragged over the aquarium water current and almost stuck with the air filter suction tube. Usually after a day of separation in another aquarium, they will die and left me, again.

I look over the tetra and saw its determination to live even though it is already lying flat. The gills are working hard than ever. I felt ashamed. Have I ever being resolute in protecting my life so that it will be well-spent?

Lately, I was becoming too overwhelmed with everything in my life. I become too sensitive at times, I do random things that not even worth my time, I kept searching ways to please other people and I always find myself selfish for wanting things happened as I wish. I found no ones to blame, but myself.

I am grateful for having people around me. Some has same interest with me, some do stick with me during difficult times, and some do makes me happy,too. Yet, due to nature of my work, I rarely meet many people and end up having PC monitor,keyboard and mouse as my bestfriend, more than 8 hours everyday (including weekends, at times).

And so, after almost two years, my personality had changed from extrovert to introvert. I used to be an ambivert during my college times, but now even my voice tone had becoming lower, and most of the times I will need to repeat myself twice when speaking to others, strangers especially.

I started questioning myself, as to why I become so different. I remember seeing this one little girl in a moving LRT, happily unpacking her alphabet books and asking her mom to teach her right away. There was also one college girl desperately finishing her assignment while sitting on the LRT floor, in between of two packed coaches during morning rush. I missed all those simple things, moments that makes you,you. I had became too complicated for a person now.

The reason I writing this right now is just I want to express myself as it is right now. I always knew myself as a spoiled girl, being the youngest in my family, though I can be matured too. I never find satisfaction in consulting my problem to others (if you're one of my listeners, then know that you're a rare,special case, I love youuu <3), thus it is so hard for me to find ways to release my stress and sadness inside me.

So, readers, if you're still happened to read until this line, then I would like to tell you I might become another person to you until my postgraduate study ended in few months, insyaAllah. I would ask for a little bit of your understanding and please tell me if it is too much for you to handle this Zawani. For everyone that already experienced this Zawani, thank you for your patience and may Allah bless you, and I am truly sorry for my mistakes upon you.

My OT coursemates always hearing me joking with the line, "Nak kasih sayang", and now I formally ask for your love,lol. Anyone with tremendous amount of love, don't forget to spill it over me, ya. Haha.

And so..I will continue this post when I thought I need to relieve my stress.

Bye for now ^^~